Mono

Well its real. I have mono. I cant believe it, really, I cant. After Daniel, whose also on staff @ FU, had it the entire last semester, I always thought I would die if I got it! Looks like Im still alive.

It all started last Friday...I slept till 2:30 and when I woke up, I felt like I had been run over by a bulldozer. I could barely move! That night I felt like I had the flu, and my throat felt like someone was raking a razorblade over it again and again....I thought I had strep! But, turns out, I have mono. Yep I did have to get the needle and blood taken out :,(

Seems like God has alot to teach me right now, and I really want to be open, listening, and ready to hear from Him. I can honestly say, since I've been totally sedentary since last Friday, when it all started, I've seen so many idols in my life, so many things I've had to repent of, so much of my hard heart....so of course Im going to tell you about a couple of them!

God is revealing to me that I LOVE to have control over everything in my life, and find alot of worth in what I can accomplish on my own, how much I can do. My identity basically is wrapped up in things other than just Jesus. Everyone has these struggles, Gods showing me mine is performing, working, accomplishing. You would think that I might have learned some of that from the flu...what did I do??? Just went right on and forgot it. Lord, help me remember these things and put them into practice. I want to change.

Also, Im learning alot about my relationship with God- how I base it on my time in the word, my time with other people, that I lean on all these things sometimes more than I lean on JESUS! So, I want to learn what it means authentically to search and seek and know Jesus from sitting in a bed, being slightly depressed, and feeling pretty much forgotten by all the people I love to be with. What does it mean to rest? Does God really love me just as much when Im like a slug? YES! Thats the gospel!!!! He does! I'm His! I'm purchased, its finished! Thats so glorious to my soul :) I pray I embrace it, that I draw nearer to Him. That this teaches me what  resting in the promises of God looks like, lived out. I have alot of fears/longings that are nagging me and going unfulfilled because of this, but God is in control. I know He gave me this for my holiness.

Proverbs 16- this is the first thing my fingers landed on after I got the call that I had mono...

 ¹ To humans belong the plans of the heart,
   but from the LORD comes the proper answer of the tongue.

 ² All a person’s ways seem pure to them,
   but motives are weighed by the LORD.

 ³ Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
   and he will establish your plans.

 ⁴ The LORD works out everything to its proper end—
   even the wicked for a day of disaster.

 ⁵ The LORD detests all the proud of heart.
   Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished.

 ⁶ Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for;
   through the fear of the LORD evil is avoided.

God, I want pure motives, I want to give you everything I do and trust you for the end results! I want to be the man that fears you. I dont want to trust myself..."there is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death..."