I can pretend I have it all together. I can pretend like I have all the answers, or if I just did xyz THEN everything would feel okay.
I have never in my life been more tempted to wear a mask as I am right now. To pretend I have all the answers to my problems, make people think I'm something I'm not.
Well, here goes the truth...I am weak. I so desperately want to solve my own puzzles with an answer from within myself, but the thing is, I know with all my head that Jesus is the answer. He's the One I've been searching for. I will find the answers in Him, and in surrendering.
I sincerely pray that God give me faith and trust and empty myself of anything I think I can add to the equation. And that I stop pretending and let myself be needy, because I am. And that it would move from my head to my heart.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Nashville & the ghetto Zoo!
Took a weekend trip to nashville, TN with some of my closest friends!! Emilie, Jessi, & Lynn. Some highlights of the weekend- going to a bar with an RV in it!, eating the best, freshest mexican food ever, eating sweet potato pancakes and eggs and sausage at Pancake pantry, shopping at Urban, watching chick flicks, talking, getting to read!, and sharing a room with Emilie again...so thankful for that weekend full of my favorite things- friends and eating out! :) and dancing around to country music!
Out to eat!!
Out to eat again ;)
Me and Em at one of the honky tonk bars!
Then, the next weekend, Emily and I went to tha ZOOOOO! Haha it was a much anticipated trip, and we saw some great animals. But I was pretty sad about their living conditions and so was Em :( We wished we could have done our own intervention, but we just couldnt stand it for so long. The poor little goats were overcrowded and it just kinda seemed like a home made zoo :/ Prob will stick to the Columbia zoo or some place where the habitats are nice. It made me feel the same way I feel about the circus...and we all know I dont like the circus one bit! Here are my fav animals that I got to see....
Em pets a horse :)
Us going to the zoo!!!!
Fav animal that day...the peacock! It was BEAUTIFUL. Looked like it had been dyed those colors!
:)
Then, the next weekend, Emily and I went to tha ZOOOOO! Haha it was a much anticipated trip, and we saw some great animals. But I was pretty sad about their living conditions and so was Em :( We wished we could have done our own intervention, but we just couldnt stand it for so long. The poor little goats were overcrowded and it just kinda seemed like a home made zoo :/ Prob will stick to the Columbia zoo or some place where the habitats are nice. It made me feel the same way I feel about the circus...and we all know I dont like the circus one bit! Here are my fav animals that I got to see....
A capybara...the largest animal in the rodent family. Wish there had been a baby!
obedience
Something I'm learning is....either I choose to obey Christ, or give into slavery to myself. My natural inclination is to choose myself. But the Holy Spirit in me urges me to choose Jesus...and helps me do it.
If I had time, I would write a book about all that I am learning/thinking through in life right now, but its all so complicated and twisted that I just push it away. This is one of those times in my life where I simply cant bank on emotions or feelings, not even a little bit, because all they do is carry me away like the little seeds of a dandelion. Not saying its ever a good idea to bank on emotions or feelings, but saying that usually my feelings are very different from where they are right now day by day.
How do I feel? Like the psalmist in psalm 77....
I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.
But later in that psalm, he has a change of heart. He says,
Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
Regardless of how I feel, God is the same, He is GOOD, and He is unchanging. And think about all that He has done in my life and in my heart....so I am fighting like the psalmist, to focus on WHO God is, not my feelings or my lot in life right now. Walking by faith, not by sight, not by what appears to be is so hard...but that is what God is literally calling me to each day. And its hard, not knowing the end, not knowing the outcomes, but I pray that I would believe that knowing the One who gives the gifts is enough, its enough to be led anywhere at anytime, as long as I am holding His hand and following HIM.
If I had time, I would write a book about all that I am learning/thinking through in life right now, but its all so complicated and twisted that I just push it away. This is one of those times in my life where I simply cant bank on emotions or feelings, not even a little bit, because all they do is carry me away like the little seeds of a dandelion. Not saying its ever a good idea to bank on emotions or feelings, but saying that usually my feelings are very different from where they are right now day by day.
How do I feel? Like the psalmist in psalm 77....
I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.
But later in that psalm, he has a change of heart. He says,
Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
Regardless of how I feel, God is the same, He is GOOD, and He is unchanging. And think about all that He has done in my life and in my heart....so I am fighting like the psalmist, to focus on WHO God is, not my feelings or my lot in life right now. Walking by faith, not by sight, not by what appears to be is so hard...but that is what God is literally calling me to each day. And its hard, not knowing the end, not knowing the outcomes, but I pray that I would believe that knowing the One who gives the gifts is enough, its enough to be led anywhere at anytime, as long as I am holding His hand and following HIM.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
...
Lately I, I've been heading for a breakdown
Every time I leave my house
It feels just like a shake down ....
Oh God why you been
Hanging out in that ol' violin
While I've been waiting for you, to pull me through
Lately I, every time I try to lie down
Well my mind just gets away
I can't even close my eyes now
Between the big fish ambition, and the lovers
Using words as ammunition
Between wood planks I've been pacing and this
Impossible dream that I've been chasing...
(amos lee)
Every time I leave my house
It feels just like a shake down ....
Oh God why you been
Hanging out in that ol' violin
While I've been waiting for you, to pull me through
Lately I, every time I try to lie down
Well my mind just gets away
I can't even close my eyes now
Between the big fish ambition, and the lovers
Using words as ammunition
Between wood planks I've been pacing and this
Impossible dream that I've been chasing...
(amos lee)
Thursday, April 7, 2011
thoughts
just thoughts i have right now. i cant sleep. So weird, this has been one of the hardest weeks ever and I dont feel tired when its time to snooze.
-i cant believe emilys having a baby. it seems like yesterday she called me and told me she liked jake....wonder what it will be like? Will it be emotional? Will it have curly hair? Will it love art? Will it be a Christian? Will we be close?
-i love being a part of a team and living life with a small group of people. I kind of wish i were about to go to peru for a mission trip, or take a team to south africa or something. I miss my ccp summer right now.
-God really surprises me sometimes with how much He thinks i can handle. Its not like He doesnt always give me grace to go through it. Its just enough for the day and I cant accept that easily. I feel stretched by God but then I fear He wont catch me. I have small faith.
-Im way too unthankful. I hate this quality in me. Look at what God has done!! I didnt even know Him like 5 years ago! My whole life and heart change is a miracle. But why do I forget that all the time??
-I cant wait for my sabbath. I cant wait to just read and listen to a sermon and rest.
-Whats it like to be a missionary in another country? What would it be like to give your whole life for a people group? Could I ever live in a hut? Would I for the sake of Christ?
-What you think about and dream about reveals your idols. I think and daydream about so many things that have nothing to do with eternal things :( I want to know Jesus more. I know thats why my life is where it is right now, cuz ultimately, more than anything, God wants ALL of me. And He wants me to become more like Jesus.
oh life.
-i cant believe emilys having a baby. it seems like yesterday she called me and told me she liked jake....wonder what it will be like? Will it be emotional? Will it have curly hair? Will it love art? Will it be a Christian? Will we be close?
-i love being a part of a team and living life with a small group of people. I kind of wish i were about to go to peru for a mission trip, or take a team to south africa or something. I miss my ccp summer right now.
-God really surprises me sometimes with how much He thinks i can handle. Its not like He doesnt always give me grace to go through it. Its just enough for the day and I cant accept that easily. I feel stretched by God but then I fear He wont catch me. I have small faith.
-Im way too unthankful. I hate this quality in me. Look at what God has done!! I didnt even know Him like 5 years ago! My whole life and heart change is a miracle. But why do I forget that all the time??
-I cant wait for my sabbath. I cant wait to just read and listen to a sermon and rest.
-Whats it like to be a missionary in another country? What would it be like to give your whole life for a people group? Could I ever live in a hut? Would I for the sake of Christ?
-What you think about and dream about reveals your idols. I think and daydream about so many things that have nothing to do with eternal things :( I want to know Jesus more. I know thats why my life is where it is right now, cuz ultimately, more than anything, God wants ALL of me. And He wants me to become more like Jesus.
oh life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)