...

I cant even think of a title for this...all I can say is that I love this song, which basically expresses the cry of my heart...

believing and battling lies is a lifestyle for me. In many ways, I didnt plant the lies, but must uproot them and make new paths for Truth in my life. To see God take me from a place of complete darkness and hopelessness, living a life in isolation and depression, to a life of grace and freedom is nothing short of a miracle, and the more I grieve the loss of dreams and hopes for my past, the more I see God's redeeming power and faithfulness to me by giving me the gift of a loving and accepting Dad because of Jesus. I am accepted. The One who accepts me really loves me. My flesh continues to fight against this truth, but my heart knows it to be true... It is.

Maggie Grace McCoun!

EMILY HAD A BABY!!!!!!!!
If you cant tell, Im SO SO SO SO SO excited about being an aunt, and even more excited for Em and Jake to get to have a family of 3!
Even right now I wish I could be in Clinton helping with Maggie and holding her. She is just precious and sweet and little, and I already love her so much. I see how great and important the family unit is in life, and how God has really created it for us to know more of Him and worship Him. What a small reflection of His fatherly love for us that earthly parents get to experience and communicate to their own children. I feel like I have in some ways gotten to really be a part of Emily's preparation for Maggie, and cant wait to spend time with her and pray for her and love her for who and how God created her to be:)
Some of the time in pictures....

 Emily's shower at the Camps house- all of the sisters :)

 Emily's shower in Clinton, complete with Camus and Maggie there in spirit (in Amandas artwork!)

 Em and her D group!

 Me and Em :) You cant tell it, but she's due any day now!

 My first picture of the beautiful new mom and little Maggie. Overjoyed to finally meet her and check on Em.

 The McCouns!!! aka best looking family in the south...this is after hours and hours of labor!

 Jake holds his little girl:)

 It's my turn to hold her..... :)

 Beautiful. Look at Em- the 2 princesses.

 Baby princess. So precious.

Mom and daughter! Praise the Lord for this amazing gift. I cant wait to help...and for all the joy little Maggie will bring to our family.

the question of the day...

I've been reading a chapter of E.M. Bounds complete work on prayer every day. Prayer...I am really intrigued by it and have experienced so many answers to prayer personally over the past couple years that I am pushed to pray more and more. I do like to pray and talk with God and dont do it nearly enough. After I've laid my soul bare before the Lord, I immediately experience peace and rest, knowing the sovereign Lord has heard all my cries, and knowing that (hard truth) life is not about me but about Him, and about making me more like Him. Its about His will being done, and Him getting glory, for our joy.

So the question I'm thinking about is about faith...E.M. Bounds says the first thing we must have to pray is faith. We must "out of sheer helplessness, stretch forth hands of faith. He must believe, where he cannot prove." Faith hopes and believes. It TRUSTS.

As I have been thinking about my own trust issues with the Lord which are many, this question from ch. 2 has been on my mind: "Have I faith in God? Have I real faith- faith which keeps me in perfect peace, about the things of earth and the things of heaven?"

just thinking...

what would it be like to never know the name of Jesus? To not even have the concept in your mind? I wonder....
been thinking about missions lately, and do feel like God is calling me to deeper surrender and less comfort. Even in small things in life. I do want to be willing to do anything to serve God, no matter where I am, no matter what the cost...to be able to do that, I must be surrendered in heart to Him. Not saying God is calling me to something new, but even here in the somewhat familiar, God wants more of me, and I know that, and its beautiful because He does whatever it takes to get all of me, and I want to be obedient. And its endless..getting to know God and experience Him. As I seek Him now so I will seek Him no matter the continent, no matter the place, and want to authentically seek Him wherever I am.
I really do love the thought of being in a team reaching people, which of course is what Im in at Furman. I was thinking about CCP today and the unique life on life chance we had...and I loved it. Wonder if I'll ever go back to SA or somewhere else with a team?
Im so thankful that I do know Jesus and that even in our "Christian" culture, people took the time to tell me about who He really is, and what He really did! Its so easy to downplay the cross....steal Gods glory for our own, making it all about us, when its not. How cool it is though that God includes us? And we can really know Him because of Jesus? The miracle that is the cross...only God can melt our hearts of stone.
I could type for a long long time so Im stopping here. Thankful for Jesus and His transforming redeeming power in my life, and Gods deep faithfulness in my life. I think thats the emotion I am feeling in life right now...thankful.

You know, Pamela Rosewell Moore's life principles I will always remember and go back to because they embody a life lived by faith..
1. Surrender
2. wait
3. walk in obedience

 trusting and resting in Jesus :)

more pics

I can resist..i pretty much love all the pics! So heres more. I especially love the one of Em and Jake and little Maggie in her belly. Only a few more weeks and she arrives!! I already have a little nickname for her, Maggie mouse :) I am so so so excited for her to arrive!!!

beach :)

went to the beach with the fam and got obsessed with instagram...honestly it is really cool! Here are some pics from the week:

heaven

Tonight I was listening to my pandora hymns station and heard this song called Worthy is the Lamb by hillsong. It made me think of heaven, and Rev. chapter 5 where no one is found worthy to open the scrolls except the Lamb. I just think of being in that room with John who is recalling everything God is showing him, and he says that he wept and wept because no one on heaven or on earth was found worthy of opening them...he probably felt  truly hopeless and completely empty. Until Christ is worthy! I cant comprehend His perfection and humility to be slain for us. It really painted a picture to me of our unworthiness, of how imperfect we are, but how amazing God is that He would make Himself a man so that we have hope and a real deep relationship with Him now...based on nothing but what was done for us by Jesus. 

"Then I saw a Lamb, looking as if it had been slain, standing at the center of the throne, encircled by the four living creatures and the elders. The Lamb had seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven spirits of God sent out into all the earth. He went and took the scroll from the right hand of him who sat on the throne. And when he had taken it, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb. Each one had a harp and they were holding golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of God’s people. And they sang a new song, saying:    “You are worthy to take the scroll     and to open its seals,  because you were slain, and with your blood you purchased for God     persons from every tribe and language and people and nation.   You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God,     and they will reignon the earth.”  Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders. In a loud voice they were saying:    “Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise!”


lyrics of the song.

Thank you for the cross Lord
thank you for the price you paid
bearing all my sin and shame
in love you came,
and gave amazing grace


Thank you for this love Lord
thank you for the nail-pierced hands
washed me in your cleansing flow,
now all i know,
your forgiveness and embrace


Worthy is the Lamb!
seated on the throne
I crown you now with many crowns
you reign victorious!
High and lifted up
Jesus son of God
the treasure of heaven crucified
worthy is the lamb
worthy is the lamb

~*Summer*~

lately...

"I know O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps." Learning alot about Jeremiah's life & how real & close he was with God.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." 

Hebrews 10:23

a prayer for freedom in Jesus by Scotty Smith

I just love this prayer that Scotty Smith wrote on his blog this morning. 

A Prayer for Even More Freedom in Jesus

If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36

Dear Lord Jesus, it’s the morning of the 4^th of July, and I’m very thankful to be living in the “land of the free.” But I’m still not as free as you intend, nor as joyful, for that matter. Though you’ve already freed me from trying to earn my salvation by anything I do or am; though you’ve already liberated me from the illusion that I can earn more of God’s love by doing more goodness and less foolishness; though the chains of condemnation have already been obliterated and the fears of death, judgment day, and the future have been sent packing by your perfect love—I’m still not as free as you intend.

As I read the Scriptures and reflect on my relationships, I feel very much like a babe—a neophyte, a raw rookie in so many gospel freedoms. Only the gospel helps us see and own our sin, brokenness and bondage. Only your grace keeps us from going to shame and self-contempt as we do so. Hear my prayers and bring more grace.

Jesus, please free me for loving others as you joyfully and relentlessly love us. There’s no freedom more central and powerful for revealing your glory. Help me return kindness for coldness, pursuit for avoidance; gospel for gossip. I want to be less irritated more often with fewer people. Help me to use fewer words and more listening when talking with others. Please unshackle me from the illusion of control in my relationships and annihilate my commitment to a pain-free heart. To love well is to hurt often.

Jesus, please liberate me from thinking about the next thing, so I can be present in the current moment. Help me make better eye contact and heart connection with others. Please help me to be more intrigued with people that I don’t know and less standoffish around strangers.

Jesus, break even more of the shackles of my insecurities. Empty my closets of all fig-leaf coverings and clothe me in the garments of grace. Liberate me from grave-clothes of shame and feelings of incompetence. Unfetter me from thinking too much about what I’m not by showing me more of you and who I am in you.

Lord Jesus, grant me greater spontaneity, louder laughter, saltier tears, and quicker repentances. Hallelujah… it is for freedom you have set us free. So very Amen I pray, in your most compassionate and powerful name. Amen.

God alone

God is teaching me so much right now. Oh how it never gets old that the only thing, the only One I can put my trust in is God alone. It seems like by now in my life I would have mastered this, but nope...my heart is definitely an idol factory.

I think I am going through a season of testing and suffering. Wait. I know I am. It seems that the theme of my days is resisting God, wrestling with Him, and surrendering. Theres something really freeing about being real with God, and we really can be totally free and real with Him because of Jesus. Just read the Psalms! God has spoken to me so clearly through the Psalms in this season...and I so identify with so many of the cries out to God for help and restoration. But there is also freedom to accept and rest in God's sovereignty, the life that God has written for us, the way He wrote it, and the hope and promise that He continues the work and makes us more like Him until we die. Thats hard to grasp, hard to live in, and hard to embrace. Ultimately though, I have to go back to surrender. Lord, keep my heart surrendered, totally devoted and open to You. That I would be able to say like Jesus, "Yet not as I will, but as you will."  That is my prayer. I want to believe it. I want to trust in Jesus alone.


Heres one cluster of verses that have been huge for my head and my heart these past 2 weeks-so full of truth, instruction, hope, and a great amazing promise that God was pleased to make us His own!
1 Sam 12:20-25
Do not be afraid,” Samuel replied. “You have done all this evil; yet do not turn away from the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart. Do not turn away after useless idols. They can do you no good, nor can they rescue you, because they are useless. For the sake of his great name the Lord will not reject his people, because the Lord was pleased to make you his own. As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by failing to pray for you. And I will teach you the way that is good and right. But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you. Yet if you persist in doing evil, both you and your king will be swept away.”

---

LP 2011! TaStE aNd SeE

Friday night social putt putt!

FU girls :)

Sand castle building contest

our pool at the motel

Em teaching the guys how to do s stunt!

Welcome to the Aquarius!

Needy of Jesus

I Need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;
Temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh.

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.

I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.

I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;
O make me Thine indeed, Thou blessed Son




Jesus, we come to You needy...apart from You we can do nothing. 
Longing for heaven..

Pray earnestly for Matt Hill

Please please please take a minute RIGHT NOW as you read these words and ask God for Matt Hill to be found. Matt is 26, on staff with Campus Outreach in DC, and is the brother of Daniel Hill (my staff partner at FU). My heart is broken over the news that Matt hasnt been seen since Tuesday in DC- his car is gone, cell isnt on or is dead, and no one has heard from him :( PLEASE PARTNER WITH ME IN PRAYER. Please pray for Matt's brothers, Daniel and Adam, both younger, and his parents. This really touches my heart because Matt to Daniel is kind of like my twin Emily to me. He led Daniel spiritually and taught him what it means to trust Christ and live radically like Emily did for me. The only thing we can do is trust God and ASK. 

verses I am praying- 

for Daniel and Matt's whole fam- Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you"

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Matthew 21:22

what i have found comfort in reading..."In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Romans 8:26

Matt's story

Em and I took a photography class!

what have i been up to?

fun things and not so fun things. I have more time on my hands than normal, and how can that translate into harder for me? I dont rest well and I love consistent fun stuff in my life. So, Im creating fun and as much of a normal life as i can:) Which means....zumba, seeing Brittni!, hanging with people i love like my house and older women and people i never get to see,  alot of time to think about who I am and where God is taking me, etc etc etc. And getting ready for the baby!!

The testing of your faith develops perseverance, and perseverance character, and character HOPE. My hope has to be in Jesus...like that verse in Heb. that says that we have this hope like an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It never fails us. Its like the bungee chord that definitely catches you no matter how many years in a row you jump, or the parachute that never ever gets old. Its so secure and firm that no matter what conditions, it always works, never tears, never fails you. Even if you think it is, it isnt. I think right now, in some ways, I can see where I've thought, its too good to be true. I rely on myself, but what can I offer?  This hope is not like me- I am not who I say I am. Im inconsistent in the heart, emotions, everything,

By God's grace I am what I am....nothing else, nothing more. I am tired of putting pressure on myself to be perfect. I want to be free of meeting everyone else's expectations, and most importantly, my own, which I never meet.

All my days are recorded already. Thats crazy! That really calls for radical trust.
God break me down, like you are, so I only rely on You.

its almost summer:)

idolizing Christ

My thoughts and life have seemed scattered lately, and that feels like reality. Reality feels like one of those trick ladders at carnivals that you start to climb and think youre definitely going to make it, but it suddenly twists and you can barely hold on. You fall off, or you manage to hang on and try again and again. Life feels like a bunch of "maybes", unknowns, question marks. But, my heart knows that even though thats what reality feels like, reality is alot better than these changing emotions and circumstances. Reality is that Christ is the only true, stable, unchanging person in my life. He is constant, He is sovereign, and all my days are already recorded in His book.

Today when I was outside walking, a song came on my ipod called "I Have Nothing" by Ginny Owens, which reminds me alot of what I'm thinking about my own life. Basically, I applied it to my circumstances like this- I can do alot of things that are good, noble, get praise from man, but if I dont love and cherish and cling to Jesus above anything else in this world, if He is not the One compelling me, then its all in vain. What am I spending my life on? What wont last into heaven that I am selling out my heart to?


I could travel over oceans, cross the deserts, climb the mountains
Just to share Your story, bring You glory, and win souls for You.
I could sing like an angel, songs so humble and so thankful
Full of drama and emotion, so the world would know Your truth.
I could give away my money and my clothes and my food
To restore those people who are poor, lost, and down-and-out.
Oh, I could succeed at all these things,
Find favor with peasants and kings,
But if I do not love, I am nothing.

I could live a flawless life,
Never cheat or steal or lie,
And always speak so kindly, smile so warmly, and go about doing good.
I could dedicate myself to do what everyone else wants me to-
Listen to them, compliment them, say the things I should.
I could show up every Sunday, lead the Choir and Bible Study
And they all might come to know me as a leader and a friend.
Oh, I could achieve success on Earth, but success cannot define my worth
And all these actions, all these words, they will not matter in the end-


Cause songs will fade to silence,
Stories, they will cease.
The dust will settle, covering all my selfless deeds.
So as I strive to serve You,
Won't You make it clear to me,
That If I do not love, I am nothing.


and If I cannot live my life loving my brother,
Then how can I love the One who lived His life for me?

Oh, Sent to Earth from Heaven,
Humble Servant, Holy King,
Come to share a story, get no glory, and save my searching soul,
You knew that I'd deny You, crucify You, but nothing could stop You from
living for me, dying for me, so that I would know

pretending

I can pretend I have it all together.  I can pretend like I have all the answers, or if I just did xyz THEN everything would feel okay.

I have never in my life been more tempted to wear a mask as I am right now. To pretend I have all the answers to my problems, make people think I'm something I'm not.

Well, here goes the truth...I am weak. I so desperately want to solve my own puzzles with an answer from within myself, but the thing is, I know with all my head that Jesus is the answer. He's the One I've been searching for. I will find the answers in Him, and in surrendering.

I sincerely pray that God give me faith and trust and empty myself of anything I think I can add to the equation. And that I stop pretending and let myself be needy, because I am. And that it would move from my head to my heart.

Nashville & the ghetto Zoo!

Took a weekend trip to nashville, TN with some of my closest friends!! Emilie, Jessi, & Lynn. Some highlights of the weekend- going to a bar with an RV in it!, eating the best, freshest mexican food ever, eating sweet potato pancakes and eggs and sausage at Pancake pantry, shopping at Urban, watching chick flicks, talking, getting to read!, and sharing a room with Emilie again...so thankful for that weekend full of my favorite things- friends and eating out! :) and dancing around to country music!

 Out to eat!!

 Out to eat again ;)

 Me and Em at one of the honky tonk bars!




Then, the next weekend, Emily and I went to tha ZOOOOO! Haha it was a much anticipated trip, and we saw some great animals. But I was pretty sad about their living conditions and so was Em :( We wished we could have done our own intervention, but we just couldnt stand it for so long. The poor little goats were overcrowded and it just kinda seemed like a home made zoo :/ Prob will stick to the Columbia zoo or some place where the habitats are nice. It made me feel the same way I feel about the circus...and we all know I dont like the circus one bit! Here are my fav animals that I got to see....

A capybara...the largest animal in the rodent family. Wish there had been a baby!

 Em pets a horse :)

 Us going to the zoo!!!!

 Fav animal that day...the peacock! It was BEAUTIFUL. Looked like it had been dyed those colors!

:)